Why Is It So Hard to Switch Off After a Stressful Day? 

The laptop is closed.

Dinner is finished.

You've finally sat down.

There is absolutely nothing you need to be doing for the next hour.

So naturally, your mind decides this is the perfect time to replay something that happened at 2.30pm.

Perhaps it's a conversation.

Something you said.

Something somebody else said.

Or tomorrow's problems have arrived early and your mind has decided to get a head start.

You know you're supposed to be relaxing.

So why can't you just switch off?

The answer may have less to do with your ability to relax than you think.

Why can't I switch off after work?

Stress doesn't necessarily end when the stressful situation ends.

During a demanding day, our stress response helps us deal with what's happening. We become more alert. Attention narrows. The body prepares us to act.

That's useful when something requires our attention.

But then the meeting ends.

The email is sent.

We leave work.

And something interesting can happen.

Our mind carries the stressful experience with us.

We replay what happened. Worry about what might happen next. Judge how we dealt with it or mentally rehearse what we'll say tomorrow.

The situation may have finished.

But internally, we're still responding to it.

Why does my mind replay the day when I'm trying to relax?

Our minds are extraordinary problem-solving machines.

Give the mind a problem it can solve and this ability is incredibly useful.

But not every problem has an immediate answer.

Imagine you've had an uncomfortable conversation with your manager.

On the journey home you start thinking about it.

Why did she say that?

Was she annoyed with me?

I should have said...

Perhaps she meant...

What if tomorrow...?

The mind is trying to help by searching for an answer.

But there may not be one.

So around it goes again.

And although you're now physically miles away from the original conversation, your mind is effectively taking you back there.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Why trying to force yourself to relax can make things worse

This is where we can accidentally add another problem.

We finally get an opportunity to rest and discover we're still stressed.

And now we're annoyed about that too.

Why am I still thinking about this?

I need to stop.

For goodness' sake, just relax.

We start fighting with our own reaction.

And ironically, putting pressure on ourselves to calm down can create even more tension.

We're no longer simply dealing with the original stress.

We're stressed about being stressed.

This is why managing stress isn't always about becoming better at relaxation.

Sometimes we need to understand what is keeping the reaction going.

The difference between a stressful event and a prolonged stress reaction

This distinction changed the way I thought about stress.

We can't always control what happens around us.

People will say things we don't like.

Work will sometimes be demanding.

Families will be families.

Plans will go spectacularly off-piste.

Stress is a natural part of being human.

But there can be a difference between the event that initially triggers our stress and the patterns that continue afterwards.

Worrying.

Replaying.

Judging.

Predicting.

Going over something repeatedly in the hope that this time we'll somehow find the answer.

When we don't recognise these patterns, they can feel like an unavoidable part of the stressful experience.

Once we begin to see them, something changes.

We have somewhere to work.

So how do I switch off after a stressful day?

Counterintuitively, I'd start by not trying so hard to switch off.

Instead, become curious about what's happening.

1. Notice where your mind is

Perhaps you're making a cup of tea while mentally sitting back in this afternoon's meeting.

Notice it.

You don't need to stop the thought or criticise yourself for having it.

Simply recognise:

I'm replaying that conversation.

That is already different from being completely caught up in it.

2. Ask whether thinking about it is helping

This is an important distinction.

Thinking isn't the enemy.

Sometimes we genuinely need to reflect, plan or solve a problem.

But ask yourself:

Is this thinking taking me somewhere new?

If you're reaching a decision or identifying something useful, carry on.

If you're having essentially the same conversation in your head for the fifteenth time, you may have moved from problem-solving into repetition.

3. Bring some attention back to what's happening now

Rather than trying to empty your mind, give your attention somewhere else to go.

Feel your feet against the floor.

Notice your breathing.

Listen to the sounds around you.

Feel the warmth of the water while you're washing your hands.

This isn't about pretending the difficult experience didn't happen.

You're practising moving attention deliberately rather than allowing the mind to continually pull you back into the same loop.

4. Expect your mind to wander back

It probably will.

That's not failure.

The practice is noticing that it has wandered and bringing it back again.

And this is one reason mindfulness and focused-attention practices can be useful for stress.

We're not training ourselves to never think.

We're practising noticing when attention has been captured and learning that we don't always have to follow where the mind wants to take us.

What if I still can't switch off?

Start gently.

If you've spent all day under pressure, expecting yourself to move instantly from highly alert to completely relaxed may be unrealistic.

And some periods of life genuinely are stressful.

The aim isn't to become someone who floats serenely through every difficult experience while everybody around you wonders what you've been drinking.

It's to begin recognising your own patterns.

What happens when you're stressed?

Where does your mind tend to go?

What keeps the reaction alive?

And where might you begin to interrupt it?

That awareness can create a little more space between something stressful happening and spending the rest of the evening living inside it.

Stress is part of life. Living in it doesn't need to be.

We can't create lives in which nothing difficult happens.

And I'm not convinced we'd actually want to.

But we can learn much more about what happens inside us when life becomes difficult.

That's the part of stress management I find fascinating.

Because once we understand our own patterns, we can begin noticing them earlier.

And what we notice, we have an opportunity to work with.

If you'd like to understand more about why the stress response can continue after the original trigger has passed, you might also enjoy my deeper article, Why Stress Lasts Longer Than It Needs To.

Want to explore your own stress patterns?

I've created Stress Management in an Hour as a short introduction to understanding stress and learning practical ways of working with it.

We'll explore the stress response, our emotional systems, why knowing what to do isn't always enough, and how awareness, focused attention and simple practices can help us begin working with familiar reactions differently.

The course includes short video teaching, two guided practices, practical reflection exercises, a downloadable course guide and ongoing access.

Stress Management in an Hour — £49 with instant access.