Can We Be Stressed Without Realising It?

When we imagine somebody experiencing stress, we probably have a fairly recognisable picture in our minds.

They're overwhelmed, anxious - maybe they struggle to sleep.

They might even tell us:

"I'm really stressed."

And for around 5 years this was certainly my mantra.  I'd rush into those relaxing spa treatment rooms and always request the same thing - "I need something for relaxation".

I knew I was stressed, but beyond that, I didn't really give it much consideration.  

It was normal, accepted and harmless.  I thought I had it under control until I realised, actually it was controlling me. 

Because the truth is, that stress can seep into our lives.  A little like beetroot, it soaks and spreads. 

So I guess the obvious question is: beyond our usual assumptions, what else can stress look like?

What Are the Subtle Signs of Stress?

Sometimes stress looks remarkably like being busy, committed and ambitious.

• We work through lunch because there's a deadline.
• We log back on after dinner because we just need to finish something.
• We check our emails on Sunday afternoon because Monday will be easier if we can get ahead - one of my favourite mantras, although I have no idea what it really means.
• We take on more responsibility because we're hoping for promotion.
• We answer messages while we're technically on holiday because nobody else quite knows where everything is.

None of these things necessarily means we're stressed.

• Sometimes work genuinely requires more from us.
• Sometimes we want to put in extra effort.
• Sometimes we're excited about what we're doing.

And ambition certainly isn't a medical condition.

But perhaps there's another way to consider it: 

When does something we do occasionally start to become our normal working pattern?

Can We Be Stressed Without Knowing It?

We often think of stress as a feeling but it can also influence what we do, how we react and how we behave. 

• We may work longer.
• Skip breaks.
• Become more irritable.
• Find it difficult to switch off.
• Check things repeatedly.
• Spend more of our evenings thinking about work.

And sometimes that irritability is accompanied by a sense that we're not quite keeping on top of things.  So perhaps we respond by working harder, faster, or longer. 

Maybe we start cancelling the things we usually enjoy because we haven't got time.

It feels like the right thing to do.  Nothing dramatic, it just satisfies our desire to do as much as we can to get on top of things. 

And there is no notification.  There isn't a large flashing sign above our desk announcing:

YOU ARE NOW STRESSED.

Life simply becomes a little more demanding.

• So we adapt.
• Then we adapt again.
• And again.

Until what once felt temporary begins to look remarkably like normal life.

When Does Working Hard Become a Sign of Stress?

This is where things become complicated.

Because many of the behaviours associated with working under pressure can also be behaviours we value.

• Staying late can look like commitment.
• Taking on additional responsibility can look like ambition.
• Being constantly available can look like reliability.
• Working through lunch can look like dedication.

And sometimes that's exactly what those things are.

The problem isn't that we occasionally work late or eat a sandwich while finishing something important.

It's what happens when the exception quietly becomes the pattern.

"It's just a busy week."

becomes:

"It's a busy month."

Which somehow becomes:

"It's been a crazy year."

And somewhere along the way, we quietly accept it. 

Why Do We Miss the Early Signs of Stress?

One reason may be surprisingly simple.

We're coping.

We're still getting up, going to work, answering the emails and attending the meetings.   We're still hitting our deadlines.  So at least from the outside, everything looks like it's working. 

Perhaps we're even performing particularly well.

And that sense of routine and familiarity makes it difficult to spot that something has changed.

I've spent much of my career around high-performing people, and if there's one thing we have in common, it's that we become exceptionally good at coping.

We find ways to accommodate more:

• We work a little later.
• We become more efficient.
• We sacrifice something elsewhere.
• We tell ourselves we'll slow down when the project finishes.

And we need that flexibility to navigate those genuinely demanding periods.

The question is whether we notice that the demanding period has become our normal way of working.

What Do Boundaries Have to Do With Stress?

The word boundaries can sound rather neat and perhaps they oversimplify the issue.

• Finish at five.
• Take your lunch break.
• Don't check emails at weekends.

Problem solved.

We all appreciate that working lives aren't always that tidy.   We have deadlines, system implementations, difficult projects, peak periods, colleagues in different time zones and even understaffed teams.

Things go wrong and we have to deal with them.

It's part of the professional landscape.

And occasionally there are opportunities we actively want to work hard for.

So it would be unreasonable to suggest that healthy boundaries can be reduced to a simple set of rules about what time we close the laptop.

But we can bring a little more awareness to our working practices. 

And we can start noticing:

• What am I routinely giving up to accommodate work?
• Has the time I spend working gradually increased?
• Can I still disengage from work when I'm not doing it?
• Am I choosing to work this way — or does it increasingly feel as though I can't stop?

And perhaps most importantly:

Is this a temporary response to an unusually demanding situation, or has it become a habit?

Why Can Stress Become Our Normal?

Humans are extraordinarily adaptable.

One of our greatest strengths is having the power to adjust or, as one of my colleagues used to say, bend like a reed in the wind.

But this adaptability makes gradual changes difficult to spot.

It may start with something seemingly insignificant, like answering one extra email during the evening.  But what if that gradually becomes checking your emails most evenings?

Eventually this becomes the new norm. 

Work has quietly acquired a little piece of your evening.

And then it takes lunch hostage - or weekends - or holidays.

The mental space it occupies far exceeds the hours we spend at our desks.  And unfortunately, it's not always a decision we make consciously.   It happens incrementally.  And that's why awareness and noticing matter. 

Are We Coping With Stress or Just Accommodating It?

Sacrificing our personal time to cope with a difficult week can be useful.

It's a coping strategy that probably works.

But left unchecked where does it lead?

Maybe consistently working late reduces the time available for rest, relationships and the things we enjoy.

Skipping lunch removes that natural break in the working day.

Checking Sunday's emails might make Monday morning easier but now work is encroaching into our weekend.

And these behaviours are not definitive proof that we are experiencing unhealthy levels of stress.

Context is everything. 

When one-offs drift into habits, it's worth becoming curious about what our relationship with work is starting to look like. 

What Are the Less Obvious Signs of Work-Related Stress?

Perhaps instead of only asking:

"Do I feel stressed?"

we could occasionally look at what we're actually doing.

• Have my working hours changed?
• Am I regularly missing breaks?
• Has work started creeping into evenings or weekends?
• Do I find myself checking messages automatically?
• Am I still making time for exercise, friends, hobbies or simply doing absolutely nothing?
• When I stop working, does my mind stop working?
• Am I frequently telling myself that things will settle down after this week?

And perhaps there's another useful reality check.  

Step outside your role for a moment and look at it as though it belonged to somebody else.

Consider the responsibilities, the hours you're actually working, the sacrifices you're making and the remuneration.  

Then ask yourself:

If you saw the role advertised today, would you apply for it?

No single answer tells us whether we're experiencing unhealthy levels of stress.

Context matters.  Checking your emails on an occasional evening, for example, doesn't necessarily tell us much.

But these questions can make visible what might otherwise be happening on autopilot.

They bring our experience out into the light and that's useful information.

What Does Self-Awareness Have to Do With Managing Stress?

In my previous article, Why Your Mind Wandering During Meditation Isn't Failure, I explored something that happens during mindfulness practice.

Our attention wanders.

For a while, we're completely absorbed in thought.

And then suddenly:

Oh. I've wandered.

We notice.

That tiny shift from being caught in an experience to being aware of the experience can be an interesting turning point. 

And exactly the same principle applies here.

Perhaps we suddenly notice:

I've eaten at my desk every day this week.

Or:

That's the third Sunday I've logged on.

Or:

I haven't been for a run for a month because I've been too busy.

Or even:

I can't remember the last evening when I didn't think about work.

Nothing has been fixed and we haven't suddenly created perfect boundaries.

But we have taken one very important step. 

We've noticed the pattern.

And now we can become curious about it.

You Can't Change a Pattern You Can't See

This is why NOTICE is the first stage of my Stress Interruption Method:

NOTICE → INTERRUPT → RESET → REWIRE

We tend to think managing stress begins with doing something.

• Breathing differently.
• Meditating.
• Exercising.
• Taking time off.

And all of those things can have value.

But there's something that has to happen first.

We have to recognise what's happening.

If I'm completely unaware that work has gradually expanded into almost every available corner of my life, I'm unlikely to question it.

If I see skipping lunch as simply what I do, there's nothing to reconsider.

If answering emails at 9pm feels completely automatic, then it's not a deliberate decision.

Awareness creates that decision point.

Not:

This is wrong and I must stop immediately.

But:

I've noticed this. Is it still working for me?

That's a much more interesting place to begin.

Stress Doesn't Always Look Like Stress

Perhaps one of the reasons we don't recognise stress earlier is because we're waiting for it to look the way we expect stress to look.

• We expect overwhelm.
• Anxiety.
• Exhaustion.
• The feeling that we simply can't cope anymore.

But sometimes, long before any of those things become obvious, there may have been something quieter happening.

• We were adapting.
• Accommodating.
• Working around it.
• Giving up a little more space.
• And continuing to cope.

Perhaps that's why one of the most useful questions we can ask ourselves isn't simply:

"Am I stressed?"

It might be:

"What have I gradually stopped noticing?"

Because before we can decide whether something needs to change, first we have to see it.

About the author

Julie Perrigo MSc is a Stress and Emotional Awareness Specialist, mindfulness teacher and creator of the Stress Interruption Method.

She holds an MSc in Mindfulness from the University of Aberdeen, where her postgraduate research explored the use of a structured digital mindfulness programme to support stress and emotional wellbeing. Julie combines her research and teaching experience with more than 25 years working in corporate environments.

She is also the author of The Emotional Hustle and founder of Just Breathe Solutions, where her work focuses on helping people understand the patterns that can keep stress going and develop practical skills to interrupt them.