Does Self-Awareness Lead to Self-Criticism?

 Self-awareness sounds like an entirely good thing.  It sounds very grown up.  After all, why wouldn’t we want to know ourselves better?

But as we begin to notice our thoughts, habits and those lightning-fast reactions, a slightly scary realisation can begin to dawn.

Maybe we realise how often we say yes when we'd rather say no.

How quickly we become defensive when someone challenges us.

We catch ourselves replaying the same conversation for the twentieth time.

Or we finally recognise that we find it almost impossible to sit down and do nothing without feeling guilty.

This doesn’t really feel like progress – does it?

Well...it depends what we do with what we uncover.

Because self-awareness doesn’t come with a money-back guarantee.  We can’t choose only to become aware of the stuff we like.   

There will be some gremlins along the way.

And if we already have a strong tendency towards self-criticism, greater self-awareness can simply give our inner critic a whole new collection of material to work with.

Working with the Edges

We have a lovely expression in mindfulness called working with the edges.  Doing enough, and working with what we can.

It’s a little bit like decluttering that cupboard under the stairs.

You start full of enthusiasm and determination.

Today's the day.

You open the door.

And suddenly - you’re confronted with it.

The shoes nobody wears.

Three bags you've been meaning to take to the charity shop.

The mysterious collection of cables that apparently belong to absolutely nothing — but obviously need to be kept just in case.

And several small pieces of plastic that could belong to...

Well.

Anything.

What’s interesting is that believe it or not - as you take it all in - you DO have a choice.

You can think:

How have I let it get like this?

Why don't I keep on top of things?

This is going to take forever.

And then spend the next four hours furiously decluttering as though clearing out a cupboard is some form of punishment.

Or...

You can look at exactly the same cupboard and think:

That's a lot of stuff.

I'll do an hour and then put the kettle on.

Same cupboard.

Same mess.

Same awareness.

But a very different way of meeting what we’ve found.

We’re working with the edges – doing what we can without turning the whole thing into another form of punishment.

We Can Do Exactly the Same Thing With Ourselves

So as we become more self-aware and begin our own journey of self-discovery, there’ll be a few cupboards to open along the way.

Maybe we notice:

I say yes when I really want to say no.

And immediately:

Why can't I just stand up for myself?

Perhaps we catch ourselves replaying a conversation.

For goodness' sake. Why can't I let anything go?

Maybe we finally have some time to rest and realise we feel guilty when we aren't doing something useful.

This is ridiculous. I can't even relax properly.

It’s important to note that self-awareness isn't necessarily creating the self-criticism.

It's simply shining a light on something that was previously happening outside of our awareness.

And our self-critical mind loves a bit of fodder – gathering fresh evidence for the prosecution.

Suddenly we're not only repeating an old pattern.

We’re criticising ourselves for having the pattern as well.

Quite an achievement. 😂

Although it might not feel much like progress..

This is why it’s important to remember that awareness is just that.  It’s not the same as judgement.

Awareness says:

I do that.

Judgement says:

I shouldn't do that.

Awareness says:

I find it difficult to say no.

Judgement says:

I'm weak.

Awareness says:

I've been thinking about that conversation all afternoon.

Judgement says:

Why do I always overthink everything?

The event hasn't changed.

What changes is how we relate to what we've noticed.

And that's where self-compassion becomes our ally.  It’s not simply a soft skill with limited value.

What Does Self-Compassion Actually Mean?

Self-compassion can be misunderstood.

It can sound like letting ourselves off the hook; ignoring behaviour that we need to change or even sitting under a blanket telling ourselves that everything is fine when clearly it isn't.

Compassion doesn't require us to look away.

Quite the opposite.  It can help us stay with what we’ve found without immediately attacking ourselves for finding it.

We acknowledge the cupboard and work with the edges.

There's quite a lot in here. I'll tackle what I can manage.

It doesn't make the contents disappear.

We haven't denied the mess.

We're simply not attacking ourselves while we deal with it.

And the invitation is to bring that attitude to our internal world.

Ah. I said yes again.

I wonder what makes saying no so uncomfortable?

Or:

I've been replaying that conversation for an hour.

Something about it has obviously bothered me.

Or even:

I've worked through lunch every day this week.

I wonder what I'm worried will happen if I stop?

There's still honesty.

There's still responsibility.

There's still the possibility of doing something differently.

But there's also curiosity.

And that's a very different starting point from:

What's wrong with me?

Does Being Hard on Ourselves Help Us Change?

Many of us have a deeply embedded belief that being hard on ourselves keeps us on track.

If we stop criticising ourselves, perhaps we'll become lazy.

Self-indulgent.

We'll stop striving.

We'll let ourselves off the hook.

So, when we discover something, we don't particularly like about ourselves, criticism can almost feel responsible.

Come on. Sort yourself out.

But think about what happens when somebody else constantly criticises us.

Do we become wonderfully open, curious and receptive?

Or do we become defensive?

Withdrawn?

Do we lose confidence and try to hide our mistakes?

Our relationship with ourselves matters.

If every moment of self-awareness is followed by an attack, perhaps it’s hardly surprising that part of us would rather stop looking.

Self-compassion isn’t about refusing to change.

It allows us to look at what might need our attention without turning the discovery into another reason to attack ourselves.

Self-Awareness Gives Us a Choice

In my previous article, I explored how difficult it can be to see our own patterns in the first place.

Because often we don't know what we don't know.

Self-awareness makes the invisible, visible.

A reaction.

A habit.

An old belief.

A familiar thought.

When it happens, we have something we didn't have when the pattern was completely automatic.

Choice.

But it’s our attitude that influences what happens next. 

It’s not just:

What do I do now?

But:

How do I want to meet myself while I do it?

Old patterns can be uncomfortable to observe.

And that’s often when our inner critic has plenty to say.

Perhaps we can meet what we've noticed a little more gently.

Ah.

There it is.

Not:

Here we go again. What's wrong with you?

Simply:

There it is.

That's not avoidance.

It's awareness without the additional layer of punishment.

Perhaps We Don't Need Another Thing to Get Right

There's an irony in all of this.

We become interested in self-awareness because we'd like to understand ourselves better.

Then we discover something about ourselves.

And immediately decide we're doing that wrong too.

So perhaps greater self-awareness isn't about becoming increasingly good at spotting our faults.

And self-compassion isn't about pretending those faults don't exist.

Maybe the two belong together.

Self-awareness helps us see what's there.

Self-compassion influences how we meet what we see.

Some days we'll manage that beautifully.

Other days we'll notice ourselves being self-critical...

...and then criticise ourselves for being self-critical.

We're human. 😂

Perhaps even that can be met with:

Ah.

There it is.

Because we don't have to clear out the whole cupboard today.

Sometimes an hour is enough.

And then we can put the kettle on.